Becki, Snobs, and Cody

I guess I never realized how much my sister and her friends look up to me. Its kinda cool to go from being the young kid to now being this figure to look up to. If I can help these kids in anyway, I am very down for it.

Kids in this area are pretentious. I'm never hanging out with Sparta brats again, that's it. They throw around big words like its their business, and pretend really hard they know what they mean. I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. Put away the words, stop turning intellectuality into a fucking contest and just be the 17/16/etc. year old kid that you are. Honestly, you have all your life to be a stuck up snob, just enjoy youth. That doesn't mean you have to be stupid, but that also doesn't mean you have to impress anyone with words you clearly don't understand.

"bear i dont know whered id be without my other half" (you're absolutely perfect).

So Disappointed

The Mongoloids show was absolutely awful. I used to love going to hardcore shows because they were so different from metal shows. Like it didn't matter what the fuck you wore, you were accepted and people were honest. But now all the scum bags that got the shitty metal venues shut down are flocking to Edison like its fucking Mecca and I can't take it. If you don't like the music, don't pay ten dollars to stand in the back and text, just to later brag to your friends how xtoughx you are. You're not tough. You may impress your friends, but overall you're still a tool. And guess what, outside of your little circle of friends, no one is impressed. No one cares because you are still too old to be fighting with 15 year olds and you are still nothing. You are worthless. 

I'm just hoping I somewhat enjoy the Ceremony show in June. 

Plastoids and Trash Talk

I went to Plastoids today and realized its my favorite place in the world once the tress are blooming. I got some really awesome shots today and am really proud of myself. I really wish I could go back there more often, but next time I do I am definitely bringing some spray paint. 

Listening to Trash Talk on the ride home tonight made me so excited to go to a show. This weekend is going to be great, if only for the Mongoloids. I really hope Trash Talk is playing Edison in July; they are so amazing. 

Scum Bags, Slasher Movies and Donations

Immature kids piss me off. Its one thing to talk shit, I think everyone does it at one point or another. But fucking own up to it will you. Four different people speaking of said shit talking don't lie; stop denying it. So tell me, why do you hate him? Honestly why does it matter? Scum bag.

I'm really afraid that the story I'm writing has already been done. I'm not sure why, but I always get afraid like this. Like I'll finish my story and realize that it's a complete rip off of something else. And even if its not a rip off, I almost feel like it shouldn't be coming out of my head. Like I knew I would one day want to write some killer slasher movie, just because its something I've always loved and would love to put my own ideas into it, but at the same time I don't want to look like a fucking creep because of some of the things I guess I've thought would make a killer movie. I wonder if anyone else thinks about this. Like Chuck Palahniuk; he has some fucked up books. Do you think he ever wonders what his mother would say if she read "Fight Club"? Or better yet, "Choke" or "Snuff"? Do you think she's approve? Do you think this is the boy she raised? To write about porn stars and sex addicts and deranged underground anarchy movements? It's a funny thing to think about. Like I would love to see a slasher movie I created acted out in all its bloody gory wonder, but I'd feel like a twisted fuck knowing that was my masterpiece. I'm not really sure what to do from here, but I know I want to finish writing my story. Maybe when its done I'll see if it was an original idea or just another remake.

OH! And Alissa was kind enough to donate like seven canvases to me for my spray painting so I am starting tomorrow and am incredibly excited to. I really feel like this is going to be the start of something great.

Art Shows

I went to an art show tonight and realized how much I wish I could draw. I might just try to roll with the basic drawing style I already possess and see what I can do with it. I'm realizing how boxed in my ideas about art actually were. It doesn't have to look real, it doesn't have to be incredibly bizarre or intricate. It can be whatever you want it to be, and thats a very cool thing to think about. I'm also going to start writing fiction again, but I'm already realizing its hard to break my head out of the poetry spot its been in for the past 5 +/- years. 

Weird NJ

I saw this in Borders and was strangely compelled to take a picture of it. I'm not entirely sure why, but whatever.

Fears and Pictures

As inspired by the Facebook lists, I've decided to create a list of 5 things I am afraid of. Upon sitting down at Facebook to try to devise said list, I realized none of my fears would even be listed in their database, so instead I'll do one here:

1. Drowning

2. Walking on a broken ankle (again) (this also ties into an incredible fear of severed Achilles tendons.) 

3. Spiders

4. The creature from the end scene of Quarantine

5. The events of The Strangers actually happening (more closely related to the film Them, that was based on a true story that inspired The Strangers. This also importantly ties into my fear of being tortured and Eastern Europe, pretty much directly from the movies Hostel and Them.)

I have now realized that I watch entirely too many horror movies. But I guess if it wasn't for them, I'd have literally no imagination. I don't even care how warped I am at this point, I would be so different if it weren't for those stupid movies. 

I saw a hawk at school yesterday. I've never seen such a beautiful bird this close up, it was really cool. 

First experience at a Jersey Diner, I am the worst Jersey Girl ever.

Stay Gold

I just finished watching the "Steve-o Demise & Rise" show. I know this isn't the first time I've ever heard of how seriously fucked up you can get from drugs, but like watching the video footage of him snorting coke from the palm of his hand or huffing so much nitrous he started seizuring and talking to himself about how the demons in his head were telling him to kill himself, I truly do not understand how anyone could think that was cool. Like its one thing if you are an addict, then you've just sucked yourself entirely too into it to feel you can turn back, but to really start doing that shit because its like the hip thing to do is so fucked up. I'll just always remember an old friend of mine talking about coke and how it was really the most awesome drug she's ever tried, aside from being drunk and stoned at the same time, and like I can't even begin to fathom thinking that. Like I didn't even get it when I was into that shit. I don't understand why you'd want to be totally drunk off your ass, its not a pleasant experience remotely. I'd rather not feel like I'm going to puke for a couple hours straight. Or I don't understand why some people can't function if they're not stoned, everything is so distorted anyway that you're not even the same person you actually are. Why is that fun? Why on Earth would I want to forget or barely be able to control myself for my entire youth so it burns away faster and I get older so much faster?

There was a women in my work the other day that I honestly could not tell was a women until she started looking at purses. Her skin was like leather, and just hung off her face with permanent smoke lines permeating through it and her voice was so deep that it very easily could have beat any guy's hands down and I don't think the 20-somethings outside Community attach that image to the cigarette in their fingers. If you did, I don't understand how you could not be repulsed. Who wants to look 60 when they're 40? 

Its not worth it. Its truly not worth it. I enjoy living and I want to live for as long as I can. I've already given up eating meat, and made my diet healthier. I'm going to start exercising again now that I'm getting out of school for the semester. I want to start enjoying my life, and not looking at everything so damn pessimistically. I'm sick of sitting home every night and feeling like a lame ass when I'm fucking 18 years old and should be enjoying myself. No more being home at eleven and asleep by twelve, fuck that. I am staying out late and going in pits and enjoying my life and not being afraid anymore of someone trying to stage dive or what have you. The show yesterday in the basement made me see something I've been drastically missing. I want to be in those pits. I want to live a little. I wish I would have gotten my ass down to the Trash Talk basement show, I really do. I had the best time of my life at that show, and I loved being a part of that. I'm definitely going to stop just standing on the sidelines from now on.

Jersey Apresh

I don't care how boring it is around here sometimes, or how trapped I feel, I really love New Jersey. I absolutely cannot wait until I move down to Stockton and am by the shore and can really enjoy all the good parts of Jersey and not just the shitty rural area up here. I've also decided that I am definitely getting a Jersey tattoo, call me cheesy. 

I'm starting to realize how much I suck. I drove all my friends away, and the friends I do have still aren't as close as I wish they were. Everyone in my life has always got thrown to the back burner and I am so lucky that the friends that have stuck around for forever are still here. Seriously guys, if anyone still creeps this shit, I do not know what I would do without you and I promise this summer we're going to hang out a lot more then we have been. I don't like being such an isolate, its terrible. (I also would like to especially mention Dani and Alissa, pretty much the only two girls that have always always been there for me. I totally love you guys).

I'm also starting to realize how awful I am at maintaining friendships. Anyone that I've been really close to I have pushed away. Its not them; I don't think its been them for a long time. I may have been fucked over as a kid, but the last few friends as of recent that I've pushed away are all my fault and I can't blame anyone else. I'm so sorry, and I honestly miss all the different aspects of the friends that I have lost.

I am certainly going to make the summer of 2009 amazing. 

Boyfrenn

Cody, as hard as it gets sometimes, you are my everything.

"This is a 2 a.m. piece"

My spirit is entirely broken; I doubt I'm getting any sleep tonight. I worked for so long to finally establish my own set of moralities and ideologies and try to find exactly what I did believe in after following every person that was in my life for so fucking long and when I finally do start piecing it together its not the appropriate ideal. I've tried for too fucking long to break from the pack, I'm sorry if i offend but I'm standing behind the conclusions that I've come to. 

I've been a follower all my life and I'm done with it. 

More Frustration and Freud

I would just like to be the first to say that sometimes my family is ass backwards. It hasn't been getting to the point, I am way beyond the point of being able to take it any longer. Today, I lost a Netflix movie, or really the mail man took it, but thats a speculation. Either way, it has become the end of the world to my mother. Honestly and truly, she's reacting as if I stole a car or something equally awful. Its a lost Netflix DVD, this should not be that frustrating. And in turn, I should not be as fucking stressed about it simply because you are so upset. 

Awesome, now my parents are talking about my irresponsibility because I accidentally left the Netflix DVD at my friend's house. Really? I'm almost 19 fucking years old. My mind is officially made up: I am taking summer classes next summer and not coming home for longer then a week or so during the school year. I can't take living here anymore. I'm really about to scream.

THE PARAGRAPH THAT WAS ONCE HERE IS NOT IMPORTANT OR RELEVANT.

"Summer Blockbusters"

List of Upcoming Movies I am Pumped For:

Terminator Salvation

Public Enemies

Year One

District 9

Inglorious Bastards