My Thoughts Thus Far in College

I haven't posted on here in a very long time, but feeling as isolated as I currently do I felt the need. College isn't what I expected. The classes are fine and living away from home is great, but I almost feel like I'm stuck in something I don't belong in. I'm not social enough to meet anybody and even though I've been chatting and nice to people that I have met I have yet to make friends. I know it doesn't happen instantly, but its still pretty depressing sitting in my dorm room watching 'Beavis and Butthead Do America' alone. Like I'm not sure if I like this =\

Not Sure

I don't really know how to feel right now. This rain is getting me down, and so is not having a car. I feel so trapped and incredibly lonely. It just sucks. Like I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore, I haven't seen my friends in forever because they're always working, and Cody is working (and not able to talk) almost everyday lately. I just want it to get sunny again so I can at least go walk my dogs or something more productive then staring at my computer everyday/night.

August

Summer nights
under carnival lights
were never as beautiful
without you.
Hold my hand,
Love,
don't let go.
Our future is bright
and we are new
and I can't bear to feel your fingers
slip.
In this moment,
there is no tomorrow;
there is only your eyes
and your scent delicately
slipping through my veins.
Despite the crowd,
you are the only thing I see.
This night was made for us,
Darling;
I can't believe I'd ever get so lucky
as to find you.

Plastoids

Standing on the stairs reminded me
of the last time we were there;
years before and so young.
Do you remember how innocent the world was?
Do you remember that those ruins where solely ours?
As time goes on
we discover more beyond the trees
and we continue to grow
as the river slowly grinds the factory to pebbles

(I love you)

Ceremony and NYC

The Ceremony show in Philly by far rejuvenated my love for hardcore shows. They were absolutely amazing and worth the two and a half hour trip alone. The pile on's were insane and I loved it. I love actually participating in shows it feels so fucking good.

Its also nice to see that bands nowadays do actually hold morals. That's what pissed me off so much about the last Mongo's show its like everything went to hell. It was all about being the new trendy fuck and quite frankly fuck you. Fuck your trends. Although I don't particularly like Paint it Black, the monologues before each song was just incredibly refreshing, and made me look at the band in an entirely new light.

I absolutely love NYC as well, along with Hoboken and after going there Thursday I can't wait at all to get out of college and live there. I honestly wouldn't mind if I didn't end up there, but it would be nice. As long as I'm happy it really doesn't matter to me where I live.

I really want to write again lately, but I really don't know what to write about any more. I wish I lived closer to the City. I would love to go sit in like the middle of everything and just write what comes into my head. I would also love to obtain a typewriter and start typing out my short story old school. I feel like my words would mean so much more if I worked that hard for them. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it would be rewarding. Like I'd have to really think about my words before writing them down, that way I would know I could get the word that I really feel fits.

I believe I'm going to spring for spray paint soon too. I have all these canvases burning a hole through my desktop.

FUCK.

Seriously, fuck the cool. Fuck the trendy. Fuck your high. Fuck everything you stand for. I'm sick of going everywhere and realizing there is no one who gives a shit. I feel like every teenager in the world is worthless. Anyone our age, the rising generation, the ones that can set any stage we want, is too busy getting high or trashed or caring too much about their Sidekicks or their fucking Converse or whatever trend is crashing through now and I honestly don't get it. I don't know how you could throw your life away on that shit. Why doesn't anyone understand that it just leaves you fucking worthless? It doesn't matter that you have a Sidekick if you fucking die tomorrow. I am never again living for anyone else but myself. I want to be fucking happy; I don't want to be waiting for the newest cool so I can show it off everywhere I go. I want to be me; whatever the fuck that means tomorrow.

(Oh, and fuck MANswers; this is the most sexist show in the entire world. Usually I find it amusing, but at this moment I am completely offended and realizing how real men are supposed to condone everything that makes this world shit.)

Ugh

So I'm realizing I hate myself as of late. Like honestly, everything pisses me off. Anyone and everyone rubs me wrong. A conversation from a few days ago with some pretentious kids pissed me off for the better part of 2-3 days. Like that's just fucking sad. I want to stop being so pissy and just enjoy living. Yes this part of New Jersey sucks horribly for its population, but I've only got a few months left so I might as well enjoy it while I still can. I love New Jersey, I love this area, I love the scenery and everything that attracts people to Northern Jersey; now if only I could just forget all the scum bags that live here I would be fine. Leave it to my family to pick the Bible Section of New Jersey to call home.

I really just need to calm down and take every day at a time. Who cares if you're pretentious/retarded/a douche bag, I shouldn't let it ruin my fucking day/week.

Becki, Snobs, and Cody

I guess I never realized how much my sister and her friends look up to me. Its kinda cool to go from being the young kid to now being this figure to look up to. If I can help these kids in anyway, I am very down for it.

Kids in this area are pretentious. I'm never hanging out with Sparta brats again, that's it. They throw around big words like its their business, and pretend really hard they know what they mean. I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. Put away the words, stop turning intellectuality into a fucking contest and just be the 17/16/etc. year old kid that you are. Honestly, you have all your life to be a stuck up snob, just enjoy youth. That doesn't mean you have to be stupid, but that also doesn't mean you have to impress anyone with words you clearly don't understand.

"bear i dont know whered id be without my other half" (you're absolutely perfect).

So Disappointed

The Mongoloids show was absolutely awful. I used to love going to hardcore shows because they were so different from metal shows. Like it didn't matter what the fuck you wore, you were accepted and people were honest. But now all the scum bags that got the shitty metal venues shut down are flocking to Edison like its fucking Mecca and I can't take it. If you don't like the music, don't pay ten dollars to stand in the back and text, just to later brag to your friends how xtoughx you are. You're not tough. You may impress your friends, but overall you're still a tool. And guess what, outside of your little circle of friends, no one is impressed. No one cares because you are still too old to be fighting with 15 year olds and you are still nothing. You are worthless. 

I'm just hoping I somewhat enjoy the Ceremony show in June. 

Plastoids and Trash Talk

I went to Plastoids today and realized its my favorite place in the world once the tress are blooming. I got some really awesome shots today and am really proud of myself. I really wish I could go back there more often, but next time I do I am definitely bringing some spray paint. 

Listening to Trash Talk on the ride home tonight made me so excited to go to a show. This weekend is going to be great, if only for the Mongoloids. I really hope Trash Talk is playing Edison in July; they are so amazing.