Not Sure

I don't really know how to feel right now. This rain is getting me down, and so is not having a car. I feel so trapped and incredibly lonely. It just sucks. Like I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore, I haven't seen my friends in forever because they're always working, and Cody is working (and not able to talk) almost everyday lately. I just want it to get sunny again so I can at least go walk my dogs or something more productive then staring at my computer everyday/night.

August

Summer nights
under carnival lights
were never as beautiful
without you.
Hold my hand,
Love,
don't let go.
Our future is bright
and we are new
and I can't bear to feel your fingers
slip.
In this moment,
there is no tomorrow;
there is only your eyes
and your scent delicately
slipping through my veins.
Despite the crowd,
you are the only thing I see.
This night was made for us,
Darling;
I can't believe I'd ever get so lucky
as to find you.

Plastoids

Standing on the stairs reminded me
of the last time we were there;
years before and so young.
Do you remember how innocent the world was?
Do you remember that those ruins where solely ours?
As time goes on
we discover more beyond the trees
and we continue to grow
as the river slowly grinds the factory to pebbles

(I love you)

Ceremony and NYC

The Ceremony show in Philly by far rejuvenated my love for hardcore shows. They were absolutely amazing and worth the two and a half hour trip alone. The pile on's were insane and I loved it. I love actually participating in shows it feels so fucking good.

Its also nice to see that bands nowadays do actually hold morals. That's what pissed me off so much about the last Mongo's show its like everything went to hell. It was all about being the new trendy fuck and quite frankly fuck you. Fuck your trends. Although I don't particularly like Paint it Black, the monologues before each song was just incredibly refreshing, and made me look at the band in an entirely new light.

I absolutely love NYC as well, along with Hoboken and after going there Thursday I can't wait at all to get out of college and live there. I honestly wouldn't mind if I didn't end up there, but it would be nice. As long as I'm happy it really doesn't matter to me where I live.

I really want to write again lately, but I really don't know what to write about any more. I wish I lived closer to the City. I would love to go sit in like the middle of everything and just write what comes into my head. I would also love to obtain a typewriter and start typing out my short story old school. I feel like my words would mean so much more if I worked that hard for them. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it would be rewarding. Like I'd have to really think about my words before writing them down, that way I would know I could get the word that I really feel fits.

I believe I'm going to spring for spray paint soon too. I have all these canvases burning a hole through my desktop.

FUCK.

Seriously, fuck the cool. Fuck the trendy. Fuck your high. Fuck everything you stand for. I'm sick of going everywhere and realizing there is no one who gives a shit. I feel like every teenager in the world is worthless. Anyone our age, the rising generation, the ones that can set any stage we want, is too busy getting high or trashed or caring too much about their Sidekicks or their fucking Converse or whatever trend is crashing through now and I honestly don't get it. I don't know how you could throw your life away on that shit. Why doesn't anyone understand that it just leaves you fucking worthless? It doesn't matter that you have a Sidekick if you fucking die tomorrow. I am never again living for anyone else but myself. I want to be fucking happy; I don't want to be waiting for the newest cool so I can show it off everywhere I go. I want to be me; whatever the fuck that means tomorrow.

(Oh, and fuck MANswers; this is the most sexist show in the entire world. Usually I find it amusing, but at this moment I am completely offended and realizing how real men are supposed to condone everything that makes this world shit.)

Ugh

So I'm realizing I hate myself as of late. Like honestly, everything pisses me off. Anyone and everyone rubs me wrong. A conversation from a few days ago with some pretentious kids pissed me off for the better part of 2-3 days. Like that's just fucking sad. I want to stop being so pissy and just enjoy living. Yes this part of New Jersey sucks horribly for its population, but I've only got a few months left so I might as well enjoy it while I still can. I love New Jersey, I love this area, I love the scenery and everything that attracts people to Northern Jersey; now if only I could just forget all the scum bags that live here I would be fine. Leave it to my family to pick the Bible Section of New Jersey to call home.

I really just need to calm down and take every day at a time. Who cares if you're pretentious/retarded/a douche bag, I shouldn't let it ruin my fucking day/week.